:(( :(( :((

I could scream!!!!! I could cry... this day was absolutely horrible. This morning I messed up my test in English. My intelligence is just not enough for the expectations of our teacher and the Abitur. I have to face it. I am not as smart as people might think, because I get good grades. I don't deserve them. Finally I got it. It has taken me 13 years to find that out. I just s** at everything right now. On top of that I am lazier than everybody else. Of course I am still doing my duties but I could do more. I am wasting my time watching movies, thinking that they might make me feel better. But actually all they do is making me feel worse, because I know that I shouldn't waste my time like that. I really feel like crying right now.
I just finished practicing piano for 40 minutes. I spent all of those 40 minutes at not even a half a page and it didn't get better at all. It was all in vain. I should just stop having goals. My hands hurt and I am sweating, because I practiced so hard, trying with all methods that I have been exposed to, to get better and it didn't help. My hands are just not well-trained and as sad as it is, I have to face it. They won't get better either. How long have I been trying now, to get them perfectly accurate - 3 years or more... with what kind of result?? They stayed the same. I just really feel it strongly today, because my day was just about horrible. I could laugh over it all, if I was in a different stage of mind but unfortunately I am not.
On top of that, I was kind of unfair to my English teacher. I thought about apologizing, but that would probably not have been appropriate, because students usually don't do that. Well, since I couldn't answer some of the questions in the way they were supposed to be answered, I got disappointed and therefore, when Theresa, Jan and I were talking with the teacher about the test, I couldn't be fair. I hate it, when I am unfair. But I guess this is my personality. Why didn't I just write the email that I wanted to write in the first place.
I will never be able to make it into a music university. So I better start thinking about something else instead.
I will stop now with my self-criticism...
Theresa and I have been really crazy today and I think we both needed it. We went into the Bibliothek and we just started screaming, because of all that was going on. I, for myself, really needed it. It helps me to get over my anger. I do that sometimes in my room as well, when I am really upset and hurt. Yeah, that is exactly what I am. Hurt by my incapability. I have no one right now, to cry with. I wish there would be someone, who would allow me to do so.
What else did I do today: writing my French vocabulary to do well on the test to come this Friday most likely, piano (duh), I also taught two hours of recorder (this is actually something I really enjoy, it is a big challenge to get the students interested in music and it is so much fun to see them getting better from week to week, I guess I could say that I am really proud of my students - not of me teaching :) - since they are doing so well)
What I really missed today was my violin. I think I start depending on my violin. If I don't have the practice time, I am really missing out on a big portion of self-confidence, or stability of my mind. I don't quite know, how to express what I feel, when I have practiced. I feel extremely bad that I gave up my time of violin studies because of a movie that I have already watched. Why do I keep on doing that??
I am really glad for the opportunity to type, because it did make me feel better.