On the Edge
Today was very stressful, even though it was supposed to be the Day of Rest. I went to church as usual. This time it was my fault that my sister was late, because I didn't go to the bathroom in time. I wanted to check my e-mails first to see if there has been anyone who cares about me and fortunately there has. This one girl from school, she wrote me a real nice e-mail :) I then responded, so that she could have a nice surprise, because I told her I was having two concerts. Jan didn't write back, either he didn't notice that I sent him some e-mails or he didn't care about responding. So the same exact thing happens to me as does to you. You are outgoing, sending e-mails and no one feels the urge to respond :( I think I have sent about 7 e-mails to different people on Friday and I only got one e-mail back. You can probably imagine how glad I was to get at least one. Someone really does care about me (other than you of course). Back to church. It was regular. Just the same old, same old. Actually wait, I think the homily was really great. There were three main aspects to it:
1. Let go of the past
2. Let go of your victories and achievements
3. Let go of your hatred
Those were general guide-lines for the year 2006. It really got me, because I think I am still living in the past and I shouldn't. I still strongly dislike people and I shouldn't. Oh, by the way, I am finally getting along with my dad. I hope it will continue like that. I can say that I feel comfortable being around him now. I am so happy that things get straightened up between the both of us. We had a real nice talk on the way back home from our concert. My patience still needs to increase, but I think there is a general trend that leads to better understanding.
Let me tell you a little bit about the concert. Since I had to play the first violin for the first time (and I really didn't have much time to prepare for it) it didn't go well... as expected. I messed up noticeably about once in every single piece. This was kind of sad for me, because I thought I would be able to do a better job. I had practiced two hours on Friday (at least, maybe even three) and another two or three hours today, yet I still messed up so much. I hope I will get better on that though. I think I will now be constantly in the first violin. I don't know if this is something positive of negative, but I guess it should be viewed as positive no matter what, because it shows that people think I can do it. My concentration now is close to zero, and therefore I will stop writing at this point, because I am also getting very tired...
1. Let go of the past
2. Let go of your victories and achievements
3. Let go of your hatred
Those were general guide-lines for the year 2006. It really got me, because I think I am still living in the past and I shouldn't. I still strongly dislike people and I shouldn't. Oh, by the way, I am finally getting along with my dad. I hope it will continue like that. I can say that I feel comfortable being around him now. I am so happy that things get straightened up between the both of us. We had a real nice talk on the way back home from our concert. My patience still needs to increase, but I think there is a general trend that leads to better understanding.
Let me tell you a little bit about the concert. Since I had to play the first violin for the first time (and I really didn't have much time to prepare for it) it didn't go well... as expected. I messed up noticeably about once in every single piece. This was kind of sad for me, because I thought I would be able to do a better job. I had practiced two hours on Friday (at least, maybe even three) and another two or three hours today, yet I still messed up so much. I hope I will get better on that though. I think I will now be constantly in the first violin. I don't know if this is something positive of negative, but I guess it should be viewed as positive no matter what, because it shows that people think I can do it. My concentration now is close to zero, and therefore I will stop writing at this point, because I am also getting very tired...
posted by Kerstin @ 10:43 PM
1 Comments:
At 15/1/06 02:15,
Anonym said…
Kerstin,
I think all we can do is try our best when it comes to socializing. And our best IS ENOUGH. I don't think this is what should fill us, though. As I'm sure you will agree... it is only a part of what makes us healthy psychologicallly, emotionally, and maybe even a little bit on the physical and spiritual side (since those are all connected). I think one important thing to remember in our attempts to socialize is not to hold the fact that someone isn't responsive against them. I don't know if I have ever done this, but I think part of my saddness when this happens to me is because I take it personally. I guess it is ok to get sad, but I think it is just important to be careful about holding their unresponsiveness against them. We can't assume things. We just have to accept things and this will be ok. We can't assume that it is a problem with us because chances are that this is not true anyway. The fact is that if a person doesn't care enough to be responsive why should we attempt to constantly put in all the effort. This is not the point of a relationship. In a relationship RELATIONS happen between ALL parties involved.
I am with you, sister. I feel what you feel, too. I wish people were more responsive with me sometimes. I think it is ok to be sad about it for a little while, but we shouldn't let that get in our way for potential relationships in the future. This saddness can't be a permanent hindrance in our attitudes and overall thinking.
I'm so proud of your first violin accomplishment. Yes, I know you are not completely proud of your performance because you made noticeable mistakes, but on the other hand, wasn't it great for you to just be there? I am proud of you for that! Not only did you participate in this section, but you also did it at the last minute. You go girl!! Keep up the good work. I am sure with experiences such as this one you will get better and better.
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