Big Family Trouble

As a Sabbatanfangandacht, my mom had prepared something to help us as a family. She wanted that everyone deals with each other according to another concept. No longer a concept of pressure and bad words but love and she asked each one who wants to participate to light one candle of our Christmas bush (we don't have a Christmas tree, just a few branches of a tree put in a pot. It looks decent. One of these days I will take a pic of it and post it on photobucket.). Back to our bush... my mom was the first one to light one, but you could tell that it wasn't easy for her. Since she really wants our family to be a family again, she still did it though. Tabea was the second one to light a candle. She is too little to really get to the bottom of the problems in our family. I am glad that she has not yet understood what all of this really was about. She even said to my dad: "You can't light a candle!" My dad asked why he could not, and she said that he will continue forcing her to practice piano and violin thus he won't deal with her on the basis of love but pressure. From this comment of hers you could tell that she didn't get it at all :) I was glad about that. My dad was the third and last one to light a candle. Marion and I didn't feel capable of doing that. We were happy to be out of there soon after all of this took place. This Andacht really shows me where we are as a family. There is no more love for each other but there is a lot of trouble. Luckily every one has his or her own life basically. I am sitting in my room most of the day, maybe watching a movie with my sisters or my mom. Marion sits in her room chatting with friends or watching a movie. Tabea sits in her room, playing whatever and my mom is working everywhere and my dad is out most of the time. This is what you can call a "perfect family" [this is ironical] since there are so very few times to have trouble. We hardly meet and if we do, we hardly talk about stuff that creates trouble such as religion, music,... It is mostly informing family members of what is going on in school. This is what our family life is about. I think it is pretty messed up. As far as I am concerned I think that in my family there is way too much control. I am 19 years old and I think that I am able to make my decisions yet I still get questioned by my dad very often [it would be unfair to say all the time]. Especially when it deals with involvement in church activities. He never accepts my "no" right away. He ALWAYS tries to convince me to participate. I strongly dislike it or maybe even hate it. I can make my own decisions!!! and they are reasonable most of the time. Sometimes I think that he really doesn't have an idea of what is going on in my life. He knows nothing! He thinks that I am not doing enough, that I could do more. At least this is what it seems like since he expects me to participate in whatever is going on and he thinks is important. My mom is always on my side, trying to defend me, but he doesn't even care. Sometimes I just want to tell him to shut up. I will see how things will develop in the future. Hopefully I will be out of here by the end of July - permanently. I hate to be leaving when things aren't better, but I think there is no other way out, because I don't feel like I am capable of loving my dad to a point where I can accept his attitude towards me, my mom and my sisters. It just turns me off as soon as he starts. This is why I didn't light a candle. I was 100% honest. No longer hiding my feelings. I know it was not the expected reaction, but at least everyone knows now what I think.
Tomorrow I will go to a Christmas sermon in Stuttgart and maybe I will meet some new people and I definitely will have fun. My sister Marion is going to join me. We will go by train and therefore we have to get up really early which is why I will go to sleep now :)