Long Awaited Vacations

Today was a very astonishing day... I didn't know this was going to happen to me. I had started having bad thought last night. This was probably the reason for me feeling so bad today. It turned horrible throughout the day and just before biology I had to cry. I said not one word to the teacher, I just left. Theresa made an appointment for me at the school psychiatrist. I didn't quite know if that was a good idea. Especially since we (the psychiatrist and I) went to talk during biology. I could hardly speak in the beginning, because I knew I would start crying again. Therefore I looked up the ceiling, around in the room... and tried to start talking several times.
The most important result of our talk was that my life is very logical. Everything I do or participate in makes so much sense. For that reason cutting down is not possible. This is what I have known before, but now, I know exactly where there are possibilites for me to cut down! For example, I can ask my teachers in violin and piano how much they think that I can achieve durign the last three months, and how about training for the university after school, so that it isn't that much work now on top of the Abitur. There are also a lot of subjects that won't count for the Abitur, therefore I can do poorly on them. Since I found out about that, by talking to Mr. Peiker, I will now take advantage of that. It is very useful to know what exactly will be ahead of me and only concentrating on the important subjects.
The rest of my day went pretty ok, and I was actually able to smile after I got everything out of me. I feel like a person again. I feel like I am worth something. I feel like someone in this world (besides you) cares for me.
Before I always felt, that everyone puts chores on me, "Kerstin, could you please do this, and that..." there has been very few times someone actually helped me, instead of challenging me even more. I clearly remember my dad telling me, "as long as you still have time to watch movies or read a book, you mustn't stop going to brass and chorus rehearsals" this was back in ninth grade. This is when my life turned the way it still is. Work to the extreme, work until you can't take it anymore. This is extremely unhealthy and therefore I wasn't feeling well ever since school started this summer. It gives me hope and something to look forward to know that I will get worse grades and they do not harm me at all.
Other than that I started working on the decoration for the children's bible week next week. It iwll be a lot of work. I have to cut out 200 stars :D so far I have about 40 :( at least it is something. While doing that I watched a movie. After finishing up this blog I will go to sleep, which I deserved :). It will be my first night in vacation. yuppy yay.